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I love winter nights.
I love night drives from work when the streets are bare and the road seems endless. The darkness surrounding me eases a sense of security and nervousness at the same time as my destination bids no haste. Sometimes I’ll turn the radio off just to listen to the soft grumble of my car against the icy pavement and the wind against my car like waves crashing to the shore. The vivid moon peaks through the silhouette of trees surrounding me. The scent of creamy vanilla and black orchids from my coat pacifies my tired body and exhumes all the thoughts and feelings I’ve tried to suppress.
This is me
with no inhibitions.
This is the only time I let myself unwind and allow all my fears and aspirations to emerge at the same time. In these 15 minutes I let myself go. In these 15 minutes I try to vindicate my tainted actions and thoughts, reminding myself that life isn’t perfect. Every thought triggers a chain reaction of other thoughts…and by this time, I’m home.
It’s so hard to write when all you can do is think. Since I’ve been back from vacation in the beginning of the month, I’ve wanted to write a blog about my experiences, but it’s so much easier to feel nostalgic than actually putting your feelings into words…but I’ll try.
Honestly, I was a little disappointed with my three week stay at the Philippines. I didn’t have a lot of time to anticipate my trip because my parents told me a month before, but I was ecstatic about seeing my family and how much they’ve changed since seeing them about 4 years ago. When we arrived, I was sad to see that economically, nothing has changed. It’s still a poverty-stricken country with so much potential, but diminutive funds to support its population.
Culturally, I loved it…always have, always will. I love being anywhere that offers any kind of cultural influence. Even though I’ve been to the Philippines numerous times, I love immersing myself with knowledge I have never known or have almost forgotten. It’s interested to compare my experiences and perception of the Philippines from when I was younger and present day. Witnessing change always reminds me of how much I’ve changed and the reasons for these changes.
Seeing my extended family again really mended some broken thoughts and blurry images. Because most of my family is there, my sense of family is only limited to my nuclear family- my parents, my brother, and myself. The family reunion we attended reminded me that I’m part of something bigger and that distance has no affect on the bond that family members innately feel. This is definitely true when I spent time with my real family. It’s such a great feeling being naturally connected with your siblings and parents even though you barely know each other. When I came back from vacation, all I kept thinking about was them and how much I want to spend more time getting to know who they really are. Every time I think about my relatives I’m not sure when I’ll see again, my heart breaks a little.
I still have these internal battles with myself when I think of my two families. With my family right now, I’m Jill. I’m the daughter they raised, the daughter they know, and the daughter they’ll always have. With my real family in the Philippines, I’m the daughter they wished they knew. The daughter they’ll always have in their hearts, but not a daughter they’ll fully know. It’s still a complex issue and even though I talk about it with close friends, it’s not something that has a solution. It’s going to take time…a lot more personal conversations…maybe a lifetime ordeal.
Aside from all the reflective aspect of my trip, I did a lot of things that kept me from missing home. My family and I were constantly on the move as we drove through different provinces to get to my parents’ childhood homes. There were a few days where we were in the car for 10-12 hours. It was exhausting, but it gave me a glimpse of Filipino life in different areas of the Philippines. I felt like a cultural anthropologist writing a mental ethnography. We went to different resorts, rode horses, saw human taxidermy, ventured inside historic sites, shot guns, ate A LOT of fish, and many more things I can’t recall right now.
The only reason I was a little disappointed with my trip is because I came to realize that some situations haven’t changed (which I will not mention), and the fact that there were some days which I felt were totally wasted just sitting around the house. It was the last week of our stay there and we would go to the malls every other day and go site seeing, but then other days there wasn’t a lot to do but watch my cousin’s vast DVD collection. I just get so annoyed when I have nothing to do period. Even the thought or chance of doing something gets me excited, but some days were just dry.
Since I’ve been back from vacation I haven’t been feeling like myself until recently. First of all, when I got back I was sick and throwing up for the first few days, the cold winter weather compared to the hot tropical weather was a slap in the face, I felt miserable for leaving my family, my boyfriend asked for my help with a situation that would literally mean sacrificing my life, my mother’s hostility made my passive aggressiveness uncontrollable, and I rarely slept because of jet lag and my over contemplative thoughts. Everything was really a pain in the ass to deal with.
But now
I’m doing better.
Things are starting to get back to normal and even though “normal” is a word that makes me cringe, my normal life consists of an abundant of things to do so I’m actually happy. “Happy” with the exception of things I’d like to work on this year…
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and it’s gotten to the point where our relationship is so stable and comfortable that we rarely have to impress each other anymore. As each other’s best friend, we already know what each other is thinking so it’s been a while since we’ve had a real, long meaningful conversation. The biggest culprit is the fact that we’re both busy all the time and the only time we talk to each other is at the end of the day when we’re both half asleep. Nothing impresses me more than talking to someone I feel completely connected with and being understood so that’s definitely one thing that would make me a happier person.
I want to find meaning in everything I do. Sounds inconceivable and it probably is, but I guess I simply want to get emotionally involved with what I’m doing. For example, when I’m tutoring someone, I want to feel like my life’s passion is unraveling by helping a person out instead of pointing out better transitions or syntax. I do feel passion whenever I tutor, but as sessions roll on, I start feeling bland. I want to find meaning in people I meet. …Which I do, but more. Who is this person, really? What is this person teaching me? Why has this person come into my life right now? I’m not an emotional person, but maybe it’s okay to show people how I’m feeling and not hold everything inside.
This is it. I’m glad I accomplished what I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of the year. I have my trusted moleskin to hold the thoughts that I’ve conveyed, but wordpress keeps everything organized and retrievable. Saying what I’ve wanted to say takes a load off. Thanks for reading!
I’m sitting on my bed as I look around my room. The wooden floors are swept. My desk now actually represents a studious object and not a bottomless pit for piles of clean laundry to reside. Books are stowed safely away on the bookshelf- not dangling like a helpless leaf on the verge of falling from an autumn tree on my bedside table. What a depressing view.
The cleanliness reminds me of a hotel room…which my room will prove to be during weekends…or so my parents think. All the semi-empty boxes that took a good quarter of my room since the beginning of the summer are now full and shipped down to the basement waiting to be loaded in the car tomorrow evening. Ryan isn’t checking in until Saturday afternoon so I get the night and morning to myself…but not alone. Although she might stop by tomorrow night and I can’t wait!
Typically I’d write a lengthy philosophical read, describing the summer’s past wild rides and experiences. However, my endeavors just keep getting better, leaving me speechless and a bit more secretive about how I spend my time these days…
If any of you find yourself roaming around downtown, hit me up. I’m living in the loop so there are infinite possibilities on doing anything and everything.
