take a walk on the west side

I spent the afternoon venturing Oak Park which has been a long overdue escapade. I’ve always wanted to go after reading about the historical sites and neighborhood cafes and boutiques the quaint town has to offer, but I always end up making side trips or worrying that I won’t find my way back home. However, I was curious this afternoon so I took Chicago Ave. going west to be greeted by a niche neighborhood of exquisite architecture, broad streets, and a subtle cozy feeling like I was living in the 50s as I saw families riding their bikes in synchronized motion. (I’m referring to it as a niche neighborhood because there’s definitely a distinct difference once you get to Oak Park. It’s really a small suburb smack in the middle of the city.) Once you get to the intersection of Chicago and Oak Park, you can head south to Marion St. aka The Avenue which is Oak Park’s shopping district. Much like Milwaukee Ave. in the heart of Wicker Park, The Avenue features many local eateries and outdoor cafes, independent stores, and eclectic vintage boutiques. Not to mention, Oak Park also has a central park (which I forgot the name of) which I can definitely see adopting it as my own backyard…although painting there would get messy…I’ll have to keep it limited to afternoon naps under a tree, leisure reading, and journal babbling. How awesome is it that Oak Park is Hemingway’s birthplace? AND he also wrote in moleskin notebooks! I’m destined for greatness…I can only wish. 

 

Although The Avenue is an amazing place to stroll through, Oak Park is really known for its cultural and historical attributions, particularly its 19^th century mansions and the prominent architectural influences of Frank Lloyd Wright who was an Oak Park native. (I think I read somewhere that Oak Park is the only neighborhood that consists of numerous Wright buildings in one place.) The architecture draws many visitors in, but while you’re in the neighborhood you can also check out the Hemingway museum, the Unity Temple (which honestly, I have no interest in except the fact that it was designed by Wright), the nature museum, and the Wright’s home and studio. You can also go fishing! I entered the parking lot of the nature museum and there was a pond where people were fishing- decked out in checkered vests and fishing hats. I’m serious, haha.

 

On my way home I drove through Wicker Park without thinking about it- I’ve somehow unconsciously rerouted my life on the road. Wicker Park is still my favorite place in the city which is probably why I can’t spend a day without even driving through it. The neighborhood is just really interesting and there’s always something to do. There are days where I just want to slap the psuedo chain smoking hipsters outside the Double Door, but Milwaukee Ave. is really where polar opposites can come together and have fun. For example: Starbucks vs. the Earwax Café; Levi’s vs. Ragstock; Coldstone vs. Margie’s Candies- everything’s a mix. I love it.

 

My 9:45-11:15 class is canceled tomorrow morning so guess where I’m going?  

I love winter nights

I love winter nights.  

I love night drives from work when the streets are bare and the road seems endless. The darkness surrounding me eases a sense of security and nervousness at the same time as my destination bids no haste.  Sometimes I’ll turn the radio off just to listen to the soft grumble of my car against the icy pavement and the wind against my car like waves crashing to the shore. The vivid moon peaks through the silhouette of trees surrounding me. The scent of creamy vanilla and black orchids from my coat pacifies my tired body and exhumes all the thoughts and feelings I’ve tried to suppress.  

This is me
with no inhibitions.  

This is the only time I let myself unwind and allow all my fears and aspirations to emerge at the same time. In these 15 minutes I let myself go. In these 15 minutes I try to vindicate my tainted actions and thoughts, reminding myself that life isn’t perfect. Every thought triggers a chain reaction of other thoughts…and by this time, I’m home.   

It’s so hard to write when all you can do is think. Since I’ve been back from vacation in the beginning of the month, I’ve wanted to write a blog about my experiences, but it’s so much easier to feel nostalgic than actually putting your feelings into words…but I’ll try. 

Honestly, I was a little disappointed with my three week stay at the Philippines. I didn’t have a lot of time to anticipate my trip because my parents told me a month before, but I was ecstatic about seeing my family and how much they’ve changed since seeing them about 4 years ago. When we arrived, I was sad to see that economically, nothing has changed. It’s still a poverty-stricken country with so much potential, but diminutive funds to support its population.  

Culturally, I loved it…always have, always will. I love being anywhere that offers any kind of cultural influence. Even though I’ve been to the Philippines numerous times, I love immersing myself with knowledge I have never known or have almost forgotten. It’s interested to compare my experiences and perception of the Philippines from when I was younger and present day. Witnessing change always reminds me of how much I’ve changed and the reasons for these changes.   

Seeing my extended family again really mended some broken thoughts and blurry images. Because most of my family is there, my sense of family is only limited to my nuclear family- my parents, my brother, and myself. The family reunion we attended reminded me that I’m part of something bigger and that distance has no affect on the bond that family members innately feel. This is definitely true when I spent time with my real family. It’s such a great feeling being naturally connected with your siblings and parents even though you barely know each other. When I came back from vacation, all I kept thinking about was them and how much I want to spend more time getting to know who they really are. Every time I think about my relatives I’m not sure when I’ll see again, my heart breaks a little.  

I still have these internal battles with myself when I think of my two families. With my family right now, I’m Jill. I’m the daughter they raised, the daughter they know, and the daughter they’ll always have. With my real family in the Philippines, I’m the daughter they wished they knew. The daughter they’ll always have in their hearts, but not a daughter they’ll fully know. It’s still a complex issue and even though I talk about it with close friends, it’s not something that has a solution. It’s going to take time…a lot more personal conversations…maybe a lifetime ordeal.  

Aside from all the reflective aspect of my trip, I did a lot of things that kept me from missing home. My family and I were constantly on the move as we drove through different provinces to get to my parents’ childhood homes. There were a few days where we were in the car for 10-12 hours. It was exhausting, but it gave me a glimpse of Filipino life in different areas of the Philippines. I felt like a cultural anthropologist writing a mental ethnography. We went to different resorts, rode horses, saw human taxidermy, ventured inside historic sites, shot guns, ate A LOT of fish, and many more things I can’t recall right now.  

The only reason I was a little disappointed with my trip is because I came to realize that some situations haven’t changed (which I will not mention), and the fact that there were some days which I felt were totally wasted just sitting around the house. It was the last week of our stay there and we would go to the malls every other day and go site seeing, but then other days there wasn’t a lot to do but watch my cousin’s vast DVD collection. I just get so annoyed when I have nothing to do period. Even the thought or chance of doing something gets me excited, but some days were just dry.  

Since I’ve been back from vacation I haven’t been feeling like myself until recently. First of all, when I got back I was sick and throwing up for the first few days, the cold winter weather compared to the hot tropical weather was a slap in the face, I felt miserable for leaving my family, my boyfriend asked for my help with a situation that would literally mean sacrificing my life, my mother’s hostility made my passive aggressiveness uncontrollable, and I rarely slept because of jet lag and my over contemplative thoughts. Everything was really a pain in the ass to deal with.  

But now
I’m doing better. 

Things are starting to get back to normal and even though “normal” is a word that makes me cringe, my normal life consists of an abundant of things to do so I’m actually happy. “Happy” with the exception of things I’d like to work on this year… 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and it’s gotten to the point where our relationship is so stable and comfortable that we rarely have to impress each other anymore. As each other’s best friend, we already know what each other is thinking so it’s been a while since we’ve had a real, long meaningful conversation. The biggest culprit is the fact that we’re both busy all the time and the only time we talk to each other is at the end of the day when we’re both half asleep. Nothing impresses me more than talking to someone I feel completely connected with and being understood so that’s definitely one thing that would make me a happier person.  

I want to find meaning in everything I do. Sounds inconceivable and it probably is, but I guess I simply want to get emotionally involved with what I’m doing. For example, when I’m tutoring someone, I want to feel like my life’s passion is unraveling by helping a person out instead of pointing out better transitions or syntax. I do feel passion whenever I tutor, but as sessions roll on, I start feeling bland. I want to find meaning in people I meet. …Which I do, but more. Who is this person, really? What is this person teaching me? Why has this person come into my life right now? I’m not an emotional person, but maybe it’s okay to show people how I’m feeling and not hold everything inside.  

This is it. I’m glad I accomplished what I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of the year. I have my trusted moleskin to hold the thoughts that I’ve conveyed, but wordpress keeps everything organized and retrievable. Saying what I’ve wanted to say takes a load off. Thanks for reading!

bored at work

As of 4 hours ago, I am officially done with all the redundant writing bullshit I’ve procrastinated to do until last night. I only have a presentation to do tomorrow and I am done! Now I can sit back and relax for the next hour because no one needs tutoring…then I’m going home and taking a looong nap.

Tomorrow I’m getting my christmas bonus plus my paycheck and then after work I’m going to eat massive loads of buff joe’s. I can’t wait. It’s ridiculous how exicited I get about eating chicken wings.

With a shitload of money to spend over this weekend, I’m going to finish my christmas shopping and spend the rest of the time packing for vacation. I’m leaving for the Philippines on tuesday for three weeks and nothing has been packed.

I haven’t been able to be excited about going on vacation because I’ve been so bombarded by priorities, but now that I’m finished thinking about school and worrying about responsibilities, I can finally allow myself to feel exicited…even though i need like 10 hours of sleep tonight to recuperatue.

I’m half asleep right now and I still have to stay here for the next 45 minutes. yikes.

back from europe

 London (5 days):
Kensington garden. Kensington palace. prince albert memorial. Windsor castle. Buckingham palace. Big ben. London eye. Tower of London. The parliament. St. mary’s church. Westminster abbey. Harrod’s. princess Diana & dodi memorial. St. paul’s cathedral.

Musts:
+ Ride on the London eye, a glass ferris wheel with a 360 degree aerial view of the city
+ explore Westminster abbey where past monarchs, writers, and leaders are buried. (dickens. Austen. Churchill)
+ Walk 1000+ steps to the top of st.paul’s cathedral b.c the view is worth it

Rome (2 days):
St. peter’s basilica. Pantheon. Coliseum. Trevi fountain. Piazza Navona

Musts:
+ Allow yourself to wander around the primitive streets and indulge in the atmosphere’s history
+ It’s a Christian’s obligation to visit the basilica at least once in their lifetime

Paris (3 days):
Notre dame cathedral. Seine river. Arc de triomphe. Sacred heart church on a hill. Eiffel tower. The louvre. St. catherine’s church. Tunnel where princess Diana died. National assembly.

Musts:
+ Take a cruise down the seine river during sunset
+ Make a wish under the Dupont bridge
+ Go on top of the Eiffel tower and spend a good 10 minutes contemplating about metaphysics
+ Take an evening picnic at the garden in front of the Eiffel tower and watch it light up every hour until 12
+ Take your time in the louvre, the largest museum in the world and an artist’s utopia

If I had to say which city I liked most, it would have to be London. Rome is losing its genuine history its known for to unappreciative tourists and selfish vendors. Beautiful yet egocentric Paris is wonderful for 2 week pleasure trips that broaden your creative senses, but there’s a peaceful calm melody under London rain. A modest satisfaction of stability paves way for new and exciting endeavors to reside. It’s amazing what you can learn and where you can go in 10 days. It only took 10 days to make me more of a dreamer, more of a history nut, more of an appreciative traveler conquering the world little by little.

….and now I’m home. Starting Monday I’ll be working 8 hours a day with little kids screaming my name as I miserably watch summer vacation go down the drain. On a good note, I’ve revived my dusty cassettes that hold my persevered songs that I never finished. I wish I was the pianist I was back then…the 2 hours a day have sadly turned to 20 minutes a week. Seems like being preoccupied is the only keeping me sane these days.